I remember one huge act of courage that is firmly imprinted somewhere….. inside … me …(no idea exactly where), but really vivid.
I had been brought up as a Christian, and indoctrinated with ‘belief’ – even reciting prayers in church on Sundays.
It was in the elementary school when I got that Saint Elijah was not whipping his whip while running a chariot across the sky (the lightening and the thunder had been explained that way by my maternal grandmother). One piece followed another, evaporation of ocean water, forming clouds, raining… etc.
Slowly but surely a different picture was forming. I was still going to the church with my grandmother, but only part of me was there, part of me was not.
The feeling of duplicity was disempowering to say the least.
One day, I chose to put an end to it and stop pretending.
That was quite a decision.
It meant going against everybody and everything, especially God, but could not lie to myself anymore. There was one moment when standing straight, my arms relaxed by my body (I am not sure the posture was physical or just mental) and I said: “God, I do not believe in you! If you do not exist my utterance would not cause any consequences, and if you do exist, at least you will appreciate I do not pretend I believe you do”. Immediately after that I had a dream about a huge cathedral being pulverized. I thought it was a message I was all alone from then on, or all by myself in everything I did.
What followed was a battle, feeling impotent, victorious, crawling back to …God, hurting, begging, rejecting, and so on.
I am profoundly grateful that at the age of 28 I finally found my peace with spirituality, divinity or whatever other words could describe this.
Today I am “at home” with myself in a way never even conceived possible.
God (if I use this word) is inside, outside, everywhere, and anywhere. God is authenticity for me, and authenticity has nothing to do with sincerity, as I discovered when participated in the Est Training thirty odd years ago. I had lost an image and someone else’s story about what God was supposed/meant to be, and got Everything/Nothing, as Werner Erhard calls it.
And one great stuff about seeing things the way I see now is that it allows everybody and anybody to see things any way they do, and – to use Alan Watts’ expression in his autobiography ‘In My Own Way, which I find extremely funny: “I won’t argue… any more than I would argue with a fish living in the sea”.
Self-education has to do with authenticity and when you are authentic – as I see it – all your life is directed towards others, animals and planet alike, to uplift, to teach, to love, to support, to respect, and always without any….. significance.